Bumbling Through The Birds and The Bees
by xovickixo
Summary: JONAS. There comes a time in every boy's life when he must get The Talk. For Kevin, that time is now...or, uh, maybe tomorrow.


**Disclaimer: I clearly do not own anything within...props to Disney and such.**

_A/N: __**ink-stained-frenzy**__, this one's for you!  
__I think I'm posting this one so soon after my last fic to make you people realize I haven't gone (completely) crazy _;D

_._

When Kevin was eight, Sandy gave birth to the newest addition of the Lucas household.

Kevin had been enthralled by the small bundle. He'd mashed his face against the clear plastic of the baby's bed before turning wide brown eyes on his parents and begging to hold his little brother.

Tom had sat him down in one of the uncomfortable hospital room chairs and after fussing over Kevin's arm position had carefully placed little Frankie into Kevin's arms.

"Wow," Kevin breathed out quietly, not taking his eyes off the small red face. "Where did he come from?"

Tom had smiled, sat next to Kevin and was glad to see the newest addition had been accepted by his eldest. "Well, you see Kevin, a stork came along and brought him to us."

"Cool."

xoxoxoxoxoxoxox

When Kevin was ten, he was sent home from school for the day because he'd kissed Maeko Tashima out on the playground.

Tom had found Kevin sitting quietly in his room coloring. "H-hey, Kevin."

"Hi dad! Wanna help? I think I'm going to color the zebra blue and orange."

Tom sat on the edge of Kevin's bed that was closest to his son's desk. "Sounds like a good plan. I actually wanted to talk to you about what happened today."

"Sure." Kevin blinked. "What happened?"

"Well, you got sent home from school."

"Yeah, that was weird," Kevin said as he started coloring in orange stripes.

"Do you ... do you know _why_ you got sent home?" Tom asked carefully.

"Not really. The only thing different today was that mom gave me _two_ granola bars and also I kissed Maeko. She's really nice. Joe said when a boy and girl like each other they kiss and get married. I don't think I want to get married yet but," and Kevin shrugged his shoulders and picked up his green crayon.

Tom had talked with his eldest another few minutes before telling him he'd see him at dinner.

Sandy had looked up from the book she was reading to Frankie when Tom reentered the living room.

"He's _ten_, Sandy. He doesn't need The Talk yet. The school is just being ridiculous."

xoxoxoxoxoxoxox

When Kevin was eleven and three quarters, puberty started to happen.

Tom sat his oldest down and had a talk with him. A very bare bones talk.

It was awkward.

It also _wasn't_ The Talk.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxox

When Kevin was twelve, the family went to the zoo.

Joe had been insistent about seeing the Reptile Den and Tom, being completely _not _horrified of snakes, agreed to meet up with Sandy later and took Kevin to see the Bird House.

"Hey, dad? Can I have five bucks?" Kevin asked, finally looking away from one of the enclosed birds.

"Uh, sure, kiddo." Tom reached into his wallet and no sooner had the five left his hand Kevin was crumbling it into a ball and tossing it towards the bird. "Ke--!"

"Thanks, Mr. Stork! The kid you picked out for us, Frankie, is really cool!" Kevin put his hands on his hips and gave a nod. "He so deserved that tip, dad. C'mon, lets go find everyone else. They're probably finished with the snakes now."

Tom chuckled on the drive home as he finally got Kevin's stork _joke_. Clever kid.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxox

When Kevin was thirteen, he shared over the dinner table that Wendy Richard's crotch started bleeding in class.

"It was really gross," Kevin said at the end of his story and speared a piece of broccoli.

Sandy and Tom had a hushed argument over the dish sink. "It's time, Tom. It can't be put off any longer. Kevin needs The Talk."

Tom ushered Kevin into his office and closed the door behind them. He contemplated putting some music on before deciding they didn't need any distractions. Despite how much he wanted them. "Ok, Kevin, it's time you and I had a conversation about The Birds and The Bees."

"Birds and bees?" Kevin asked, his interest clearly piqued.

"Yes, the birds and the bees and...and sex. You see, when a, uh, bird and, erm, a bee have--"

Kevin had interrupted him quickly into The Talk. "Wait, birds and bees can do it?"

"Wha--?"

"Are they really small birds then or -- holy crap! Are there giant bees?! I'm allergic to bees! A giant bee would probably kill me in like two seconds! Are there hybrid mutant bee-birds flying around?! This is stuff I need to know, dad! I love birds! But only if they can't kill me!"

:

"So?" Sandy had asked, later that night, as she pulled her hair into a loose ponytail.

"So?"

"How'd The Talk go?"

As Tom pulled back the covers on their bed, he lied. He lied _hard_. "The Talk went great!"

xoxoxoxoxoxoxox

When Kevin was fourteen, Tom had found Joe and Stella Malone playing 'model and stylist'.

Tom had quickly sent Stella home. After getting pants back on Joe, Tom had shrieked in a very, very quiet voice that wouldn't attract the notice of Sandy, "You were playing dress-up in your closed door bedroom with a girl?!"

"We were playing Model and Stylist," Joe said, pushing his hair out of his face, "it's totally different."

Tom and Joe then started in on a rather lively dialogue about the ins and outs and the do's and don'ts. It was a successful chat all-in-all. There was even a manly high-five involved.

It wasn't until he was brushing his teeth before bed that Tom realized he'd missed a golden opportunity and could have managed a two-for-one Talk had he included Kevin.

He promised himself he'd test the waters again with Kevin next week.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxox

When Kevin was fifteen, Tom turned off _all_ of the parental controls on their computer and sat him down in front of a freshly loaded Google and told him to go nuts.

Tom had left Kevin alone for an hour before heading back to the computer. "You...you don't have any questions?"

Kevin glanced up at him and drawled out a long 'no'.

"You're not curious about anything you may have accidently stumbled across on the internet?" Tom received another drawn out 'no'. "Did you use google images to try to find pictures of, say, kitties? Or maybe p-pussy cats? Or did you...did you just google 'sex'?

Kevin frowned up at his father. "Why would I want to do that?"

Why, indeed.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxox

When Kevin was fifteen and a half, Nick complained that Kevin had been locked in the bathroom for nearly an hour.

Tom had paced in front of the door for a few minutes before calling out, "Urges are natural! Things sometimes happen...there...y'know? If you...if you need to, just don't let your mother know!"

Two hours later Sandy had found Tom in his office and complained to him that she had no idea why he thought to tell Kevin that he should be hiding stuff from her.

"Kevin told you?"

"Of course Kevin told me he got gum stuck in his hair! Why in the world couldn't you help him cut it out?"

xoxoxoxoxoxoxox

When Kevin was sixteen, Tom had placed 'The Guy Book: An Owner's Manual' on top of his pillow.

Kevin had handed it to Nick when his brother had asked about it and went back to strumming out a song about ostriches.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxox

When Kevin was sixteen and two hours, Tom had tried to pay Nick $20 to give Kevin The Talk.

Nick had looked down at the offered money and said "No."

"But!" Tom hadn't been expecting to have The Talk with Nick that day but Nick had a few insightful questions about what he'd just read. If Tom'd had just a moments notice he could have dragged Kevin downstairs to partake in the short conversation.

"Could you at least give the book back to your brother?"

xoxoxoxoxoxoxox

When Kevin was seventeen, he recieved a pair of panties in his fanmail and Tom freaked the hell out.

"Holy crap, your mother's going to kill me!"

"Why? You didn't send me these." Kevin picked up the envelope and squinted at the curly return address scrawl. "Rebo -- Reeboha -- ok, I can't read this, it got all smudged."

Tom looked over his shoulder, making sure the living space was clear. He needed to give Kevin The Talk **now**. Like, four years ago, now. "Look, sometimes girls--"

Kevin frowned down at the hot pink garment laid out on the table. "You mean girls sending guys underwear in the mail is normal?"

"What? No! No, I...see, sometimes when a girl and guy really like each other--"

"Wait, are you saying _I_ should be giving my underwear to a girl?"

"No!" Tom quickly said. "There should be no giving of any sort. Ever!"

"Ever? But what if it's really cold outside and I have a coat but a girl doesn't? Shouldn't I be a gentleman and let her borrow it? I don't have to actually _give_ it to her, she can just give it back later."

"Ok, in that situation, sure. But any other time."

"But what if--"

Tom reached the stairs before turning back to Kevin. "Look, just no giving before marriage, ok?"

xoxoxoxoxoxoxox

When Kevin was eighteen, he came home from school with only one boot on.

"Kevin, where is your other shoe?"

"I gave it to a girl," Kevin said with a dreamy smile on his face.

Tom couldn't help but think to the underwear incident from the previous year. "You're not giving her other things are you?"

"Well, not recently."

"Not recently?!" Tom squeaked. "Are you at least being safe?!"

"Well, as safe as you can be when she's involved which is usually _not_. It usually tends to hurt in the end but it's so worth it."

This! This was why parents were supposed to give their children The Talk before puberty hit, Tom realized. Sandy was going to kill him. _Kill him!_

"Just -- at least buy some condoms, ok?!"

Kevin had looked down at the twenty his father shoved at him and said, "I don't think this is going to cover it."

xoxoxoxoxoxoxox

When Kevin was nineteen, Tom discovered that he'd purchased a condo in Upstate New York the previous year.

"Wait, Kevin bought a _condo_?" Sandy asked, looking over the tax receipts.

"Apparently." A condo? Why the hell would his son buy a cond--oh, holy crap.

Tom excused himself from the table and locked himself in the bathroom to bang his head on the wall a few times for good measure.

Condo. Condom. It all made...well, not _perfect_ sense but it made _Kevin_ sense.

It was only a matter of time before they started having lawyers hounding them for child support for illegitimate Lucas babies that Tom was beginning to worry his son was making across America. And it was all his fault.

Tom had told Kevin to be safe and buy condoms and Kevin had went and bought a damn condo!

Tom _really_ needed to have The Talk with Kevin.

Tomorrow.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxox

When Kevin was twenty-five, he cradled the latest addition to the Lucas family to his chest.

"You know how babies are made, right?"

Kevin's feet, that had been propped up on the bed, dropped to the ground with a loud thump as he turned to stare at his father. "Are you... Are you kidding me?"

Tom gave a nervous laugh. "Yes?"

"Dad, seriously? I've been married for almost two years and I'm holding my first born child."

"Yeah, well," Tom grumbled, taking the bundled infant from his son. "You see how much fun The Talk is when this little one grows up."

"Ha. That's a baby girl there," Kevin said as he stood up and checked briefly on his still sleeping wife. "Daddy -- that'd be me -- is so off the hook on giving The Talk. I just get to threaten boyfriends. It's gonna be sweet."

Sandy let out a laugh, having walked in during Kevin's speech. "You men. I often wish I had of sat in to hear what words of wisdom your father shared with you boys."

"Wow, it was so long ago I can barely remember them," Kevin said, rubbing his chin and giving his dad a sidelong look. "At all. I think at one point it may have involved--"

"Right, right." Tom handed the baby off to his wife before stepping in close to Kevin and lowering his voice, "Just... You _know_ there is no stork involved, right? It's all about eggs and sperm and...there's no--"

"Dad, _seriously_?"

Tom laughed again and patted Kevin on the shoulder. "I'm serious. Also, birds and bees can't actually have sex with each other. And, seriously, storks play absolutely no part. At all."

:  
Fin  
:

_A/N: I fully admit to 'borrowing' the Joe and Stella playing dress-up from the wonderful _maybe-joleisaa_. Yes, I totally sapped out for the ending...but in all honesty I had no idea how to end this fic.  
__Also, did anyone actually get The Talk from their parents? I'm the youngest of three and they totes copped out on me. So, thank you cable tv/friends/internet/health class! _;D


End file.
